Sunday, August 07, 2011
it's the 7th night of july..
when my world came crashing down.
it's an expected outcome when i knew about this family meeting.
and true enough, it's all within expectation..
fight. blood. shoutings. screamings.
what's the outcome?
injuries. hurtings. even more misunderstandings..
im not allowed to post anything on facebook regarding this..
but i need to let it out..
i need to let it all out..
though i was told that all these have got nothing to do with me..
i wasnt the cause of the fight.
but im just very much affected by everything that has happened these days..
yes. very very affected.
it's been a roller coaster ride..
going up and down the rail; a never ending one..
words are like spears..
no matter how much i tell myself that the words are blurted out of anger,
im still very affected by them..
yes; i know we are the cause of all these family problems..
my mother is always at fault.
everything is my mother's fault.
you brothers and sisters are the saints.
so holy that you guys will only think of my mother when you are in shit.
when you need help.
how holy huh.
i never liked how you uncles and aunties treat my mother.
i never liked how my mother would go all out to help you all,
even knowing that you guys wont remember how she rendered you the assistance you need.
how ungrateful all of you are ?
you know it. i dont have to elaborate.
this is my family.
the family i grew up in.
where siblings of the generation before mine are like enemies..
they cant wait to see my mother fall.
they are all so superficial.
to think that after staying under one roof for more than a decade,
im called an outsider.
yes. OUTSIDER.
laugh my dear friends, laugh.
im an outsider. im no family of theirs.
im an outsider.
then i have another, saying that we are the root cause of all these family issues.
laugh again;
everything that happened is because of us.
yes. it's all our fault.
my mother wanted to move out, you forbid.
you stopped her everytime.
and now you tell me, we are the root cause of all these problems.
you want mum to get another house..
you want us to move out.
can someone tell me what is this ?
i didnt let my mum know what you told me.
i dont know how hurt my mother will be if i were to tell her..
i believe she'll feel infinity times more painful than i do.
cos these words came out from someone she least expected.
but how long can i keep this ?
there were so many occasions that nearly tricked me into spilling the beans
when will i let them out accidentally?
sigh
tell me how drama is this..
it's longer than those taiwanese dramas you've ever watched.
what more can i say..
who's the ultimate victims?
my mum and grandma.
imagine a mother seeing her 6children FIGHTING and quarreling..
till the extent she herself got injured too..
then imagine you paying the house instalment, utilities and stuff
but end up being a TENANT of the house.
what shit is this?
the more i look, the more sad i get..
i got a counselling session in the middle of the night.
comforting indeed.
but it's always easier said than done..
how can i not be sad..
it's impossible.
moreover it's me..
jeslyn toh. the stupid emo queen.
sigh. this is life..
every family has its own stories..
this is mine. the ever dramatic one...
